My Honesty and His Faithfulness

and I how I didn't have to sacrifice one for the other

I woke up this morning with a deep deep blue feeling in my soul. I quickly recognized it. It was that voice of religion that whispers, ‘you’re falling away, you won’t be a Christian for much longer the way you’re going, you better shape up if you want to make it, you better holy it up if you want people to trust you and respect you.’ It’s a voice I’ve heard a lot the last while and one that I have to let God silence quite often.

The last year and half I have found myself becoming someone I don’t recognize. While that mostly a good thing it’s also a terrifying thing because so much of what I am becoming looks nothing like the holy being a younger version of me envisioned. I expected to be 33 years old and very settled, super spiritual and holy. Not starting over completely and feeling every bit the shaky newborn calf in my walk with God. I expected to be firm and strong, secure and mature. And I’m finding I am a baby dependent on her Parent for every little thing. Being this vulnerable is terrifying. Starting over in my faith journey between ages 32 and 33, it doesn’t seem like a great idea. But here we are.